Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
