I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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