i already hear my dad disowning me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
