A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
