apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
