Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
