Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize