it was like fucking gandolphs beard
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
