Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I stole a fireplace last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
