she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
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Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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