rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
