i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
