I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
