We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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