I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I smell stomach acid.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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