It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Congratulations! We have a period
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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