i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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