Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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