I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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