I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
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its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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