I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
