Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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