how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
