last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
