So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
