And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
