I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
