man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
