I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
