I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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