Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just want nice things and good sex
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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