Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
