when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
