highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
