Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
