I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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