i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
