I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
