So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
