I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
