why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
