First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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