hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
