fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
