When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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