You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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