My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
