My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
