its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
