Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
