How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
