The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize