I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
