I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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