he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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