I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
