i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
